Does mess trigger you?
I’ve been wanting to write this blog post for a long time, but I didn’t really know how. I didn’t have the words to describe the feeling I had. But now I do.
Over the summer, I saw a podcast come up in my feed called “Why Mess Feels So Triggering” from Dr. Becky Kennedy, a psychologist whose podcast is about parenting. I listened to it right away because I knew exactly what she was going to talk about.
The word trigger immediately explained the way mess in my own home can feel so upsetting sometimes (and also explains why when I work with clients, messy or chaotic environments don’t feel upsetting or overwhelming at all.) As soon as I read the title, I felt a sense of relief knowing that other people have this same experience.
If you’ve ever rage-cleaned, if you’ve ever exploded on your family because of a messy room, if you’ve ever felt so embarrassed about the state of your home that you avoid having people come over or avoid parts of your own house, you will relate to this.
This photo is intentionally silly, but yes, stepping on toys and crumbs does really trigger me.
Understanding why mess is triggering
First, I highly recommend listening to Dr. Becky’s podcast if this topic interests you. I also want to share my thoughts as a professional organizer, because this topic comes up so often in my work.
Many clients come to me feeling ashamed or embarrassed about the state of their home. In the podcast, Dr. Becky explains that many of us have some kind of story or association from our childhoods about what a messy house means. For example, you might have been told that you’re sloppy, lazy, incompetent, or not a good parent if you have a messy house.
This was very interesting for me to think about, both for myself and for my clients. I believe many of us have internalized the idea that neat = good, and messy = bad. And if our space is messy, we feel like we don’t measure up.
I always want to push my clients to think beyond the neat = good/messy = bad, because I feel that framework is just not realistic or helpful.
Whenever a client shows me a space they want to organize, I ask them to focus on what’s not working for them, rather than how the space looks. Is it hard to find things or put them away? Does it take too long to clean up? Is it difficult or unsafe to navigate? My goal for every client is for them to have a different way to look at their home and problem-solve how to make their space work better for them, instead of feeling judgement or shame.
We have to talk about the mental load
Another interesting point Dr. Becky made was about mess and the mental load. The “mental load” refers to all of the tasks, decisions, and plans we carry around in our minds — and people who are parents (and often Moms) tend to take on the burden of the mental load for families.
Dr. Becky said that when someone who takes on the mental load for the family sees the mess at home, they may feel even more triggered than someone who doesn’t carry that load, because it represents more tasks on an already long to-do list.
The mental load is real. I experience it in my own home as well as with my clients. Juggling all of the tasks that need to be completed to make sure everyone is routinely fed, clothed, and delivered to the places they need to be everyday can get overwhelming and exhausting. This fall, my family went through some big changes in our routine, and I feel like it has taken more than 6 weeks for me to figure out how to adjust and stay on top of tasks like getting ready in the morning, dropping the kids off, and finding time to clean the house. At a certain point, trying to make things run more smoothly feels too tiring.
I’ve also noticed something else at play. I believe many of us have an unconscious belief that keeping up with our homes should require minimal time and effort, and when our homes feel chaotic, we believe something is wrong with us. But the truth is that maintaining a smoothly running home, especially if you have kids or pets, isn’t easy. It takes a lot of time and energy, and it’s not something that just magically happens. This is another area I often work with clients on: seeing all of the invisible work required in maintaining their homes, so they can make more informed and realistic decisions about how to manage it.
My biggest takeaways from the conversation
If you feel “triggered” by the state of your home, you’re not alone.
The emotional reaction you are feeling about the state of your home is very real (and can be very difficult, depending on how you feel.)
You probably have a story about what your mess means or says about you, and you might not even realize it.
Your story about mess might explain why your partner or your kids don’t have the same reaction or urgency to mess.
If you are carrying the mental load, mess can be extra frustrating because you already are keeping track of a long list of to-dos.
What to do about your mess
This is a much bigger topic than I can cover or solve in a short blog post. However, I hope it gives you some things to think about differently, so you can start to understand why mess might be triggering for you and feel more compassion for yourself.
If you are struggling with the mental and emotional load of managing your home, there are a few different ways I can support you:
Clarifying what the real pain points in your home are, helping you see beyond what your space looks like and giving you concrete ways to make it work better.
Creating and executing an organizing plan for you, and finding places to simplify your routine and habits so you can ease some of your mental burden.
Providing structure and accountability to help you reach your goals.
If you’d like to talk more about how we can work together to make home management easier, I encourage you to set up a free consultation with me.
